i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
