The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
