Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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