He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
