Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
