I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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