I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
