he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
