I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
