Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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