my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
