he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
