"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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