My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
