if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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