My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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