My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize