you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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