I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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