Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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