I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
