I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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