I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
