i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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