we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
