bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
