Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
