the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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