I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
