Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it's like heaven, but drunker
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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