new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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