Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
