Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
