be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
