please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
