Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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