Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
