grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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