if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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