my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
