if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
