I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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