I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize