it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
