If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
