6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Someone shit on the floor
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
