I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
