It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
