we're chasing vodka with high fives
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
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I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize