I accidentally burped into my bong.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
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he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
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Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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