Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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