The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
