I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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